DBT Training Section 16 - Letting Go of Painful Emotions
Section 16 - Letting Go of Painful Emotions
Learning Center - DBT Therapy Training
Letting Go of Painful Emotions
Life can be a great experience, full of enjoyment. That won't happen if painful emotions prevent us from even experiencing the present. Letting go of those painful emotions isn't easy, and for most of us it doesn't come naturally. It's a skill we have to learn and practice. Eventually, we'll be able to let go of the pain and enjoy each moment. In this section, we'll discuss how to live and enjoy the moment by letting go of painful emotions and thoughts.
What good is doing fun things if you don't let your self enjoy it? We've all done it, some of us live it constantly. We all have painful thoughts, which lead us to experience painful emotions. Letting go of those thoughts and emotions can feel impossible. Unless you can figure out how to let go and enjoy the moment, you won't be able to enjoy life.
We know there's great value in taking care of ourselves on a regular basis, that means creating good experiences for yourself. None of that will do any good, though, if you don't let yourself experience it. In this section we'll discuss how to use Mindfulness skills to enjoy the good things you do. That means opening yourself up to enjoying it, letting yourself know you do deserve it, and not giving in to negative thoughts.
I remember a friend of mine telling me about a trip she took with her husband. It was his first real vacation, and the first time he'd ever been outside of his home town. They flew into Florida and spent the night, then caught the cruise ship the following day. She had a great time; amazed by the sights and scenic beauty. She loved all the activities, gourmet buffets on the ship; touring and shopping at the many port stops. He, on the other hand, had an awful time. Why the difference? He seemed to feel uncomfortable, outside his "element." He worried so much about being in a strange place, with people he didn't know, unfamiliar with his surroundings. The evening they spent in Florida, they ordered pizza delivery from a national chain he knew and watched TV. While on the ship, he seemed to spend most of his time talking about his worries and fears, including the fact that the cruise would be over in a few days and he'd be back home.
Personally, I do it far too often. Just the other night I decided to take care of myself and take advantage of a Jacuzzi I have access to. About 10 minutes into my soak, I caught myself ruminating over other things: worries, concerns, fears, issues with other people in my life. There I was sitting in a luxurious spa under the moonlight, and I wasn't allowing myself to really take it all in. I told myself that I've been working hard, and deserved to feel good even for this brief period of time. I stepped back a 
moment, and started practicing mindfulness. I watched the bubbles and heard the sounds. Off in the distance I could hear the crickets. I imagined putting those negative thoughts in the steam rising from the spa, and watched them float off into the air. I did enjoy the soak and felt wonderful the rest of the evening. The things I was ruminating about were still there, but I didn't let that ruin my experience.
There are a lot of stressful things going on in my life. They're very real and my feelings about it are valid. Trying to hide, ignore or deny my own feelings only lead to more stress. It's cool to be worried about a bill I can't pay. It's completely reasonable to wonder whether I'll be able to pay for my son's education. There are issues at work, with co-workers that do exist, they're very real, they're not going away. I need to address each of these, and all the other stuff going on in my life. At the same time, letting those thoughts detract from all the wonderful things and experience around me don't help. In fact, they make things worse.
So what do I do about those emotions and thoughts? I let myself have them, experience them. After all, we know that if I try and avoid them, they'll just fester and come out at an inopportune time, probably in an inappropriate way. At the same time, work to make sure I'm not building them up in my mind to be more than they really are. I'm working hard to NOT let those real and valid emotions get in the way of other things, ruining positive experiences and dominating my life. In the section on radical acceptance, we talked a bit about this concept as well. If you're still finding this challenging (as most of us do), go back and review the section.
How can we feel the emotions, and still enjoy life? Here are some key points to keep in mind:
- Observe your emotions — Acknowledge it to yourself. In your mind, tell yourself "yep, I'm feeling stressed about _____. I'm worried about it. It's completely understandable, and I need to work on resolving it and accept the fact that it's there now.
- DisconnectâTake a moment and back off the emotion. Step into Wise Mind for a moment to evaluate what's going on.
- Have the emotionâSure, we're in a bad situation. Yes we are worried about it. It's reasonable to feel the way we do. Still, we don't need to spend all our time focused on it. Put it away, long enough, to have some fun and enjoyment. When you're feeling good, you'll be much more effective in resolving and accepting things.
- Don't fight the emotionâEmotions are there whether we like them or not. Ignoring it, "stuffing it", pretending it's not there, denying it... doesn't change it. We're simply tossing it into a closet. Eventually that closet will fill up and all those pent up emotions will come bursting out, no doubt at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way. I find writing it down on a notepad works for me. It's still there, but it's off my mind for the moment. Later, when I'm ready, I'll spend time thinking about them. Remember, we only have 24 hours in each day. When we're worrying, we can't appreciate all the goodness around us. How much time do you want to spend worrying, and how much time do you want to spend enjoying life?
- Don't define yourself by itâJust because you're feeling bad, doesn't make you a bad person. Remind yourself, though positive experiences and MASTERy, how wonderful you really are. Really bad things happen to great people, and we all attach negative emotions to things we judge negatively.
Review
During this section, we discussed:
- Positive experiences are only as good as we allow them to be.
- Ruminating over worries detract from, or even eliminate from a positive experience.
- Don't let negative thoughts and feelings ruin the good things in life.
- Emotions are real and important, have them, just manage them.
- Denying emotions leads to disaster
- Experience your emotions, but do it at an appropriate time and don't let yourself build them up in your mind.
Exercises
Go grab a picture of a positive experience in your life and look at it. When one of those ruminating thoughts comes into your mind pause briefly, jot down your thoughts and feelings. Promise yourself you'll think about it later and look at the picture again. Don't fight the emotion, practice freeing your mind at the moment and allowing yourself to enjoy the photo.
Assignments
During the next good experience that you planned in the previous section, commit to allowing yourself to fully enjoy. Bring that notepad with you, and do something to remind yourself to put the worries and ruminations on hold long enough to have a good time. One idea is, set an alarm on your watch or phone. When the alarm goes off, take stock of your thoughts and feelings. If you're not fully enjoying the goodness around you, step away, jot down the thoughts and get back to the fun. You might want to tie a string around your finger. Anything that works for you.
Practicing having your emotions, acknowledging and accepting them, and freeing your mind to enjoy life.
If you, like most of us, have problems actually doing it, post a message at the end of this lesson, or in the Discussion Forum and tell us about it. We'd love to help you come up with other things you can try.
Other Resources
Recommended Reading
When you're ready to move on go to: Interpersonal Effectiveness.
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