Section 15 - Increasing Positive Experiences

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Last Updated on Wednesday, September 09 2009 17:49

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In this section, we'll discuss several things we can do to improve our overall mood. Clearly, when we're feeling in a good mood, stressful events are easier to take. Overall, though, better moods lead to greater self-esteem and better outlook on life. We'll go over how putting ourselves in a situation to live more positive experiences help our outlook on life. We'll review how to use Mindfulness to make life a more enjoyable experience.

Living Positive Experiences

Simple pleasures in life, however small, can make all the difference in our lives. To me, there's nothing more enjoyable to spending an hour just playing with my son. I love to see the glow in his face and hear the excitement in his voice when I spend time with him doing four year old things. I can do that, just about whenever I choose and it puts me in a more upbeat frame of mind for hours afterwards. In fact, I have a pretty long list of things I can do that make me feel pretty good. True, many of those things, long term, are counter productive. Still, it makes sense to all of us, to find productive, positive experiences we can do. Done frequently enough, that emotional boost can carry over into our overall mood and outlook.

How can we live more positive experiences? Sure, it's easy to say, "let's have a more enjoyable life." But doing that may seem impossible, given your current situation. There are two categories of positive experiences: Short term (smaller ones) that we can do whenever we want, and long-term (bigger, perhaps longer experiences). First, we need to figure out what those are, both long-term and short-term. Start by building a list of short-term, easier positive experiences. Generally, these are things we can, but perhaps don't make the time to do whenever we want. It could include going for a walk, chatting with a good friend or close family member, going for a swim, reading a book, taking a warm bath, playing with a pet. Make a list of those things that work for you, keep it handy, and do one every single day. If you have a crazy schedule, with too many demands, then schedule a practical time (maybe 15 minutes or a half hour) for yourself to do something nice for yourself. If possible, set aside a larger block of time once a week to do things like go out (a concert, ball game, dinner, museum, whatever makes you feel good doing) with a friend. Let the people in your life, who depend on you what you'll be doing and ask for their support. Then take advantage of the luxury. The more we take care of ourselves, and boost our mood, even slightly, we begin to accumulate positive experiences.

Longer term goals are also important. These are things that take a little planning and a little work to accomplish. Think of a vacation, a trip, buying that new car that you so desperately need. There's no magic to it, simply define the goal, figure out what you need to do to get there, break it out into small, bite-size pieces, then follow through. Start with something reasonable, that you can do in just a couple of months. Let's say I want to go on a camping trip for a long weekend with a friend. What do I need to do, make sure I have camping equipment and supplies, make sure I can cover the costs (gas, campsite fees, supplies, the vacation time, etc.), make arrangements with my friend, with my employer (to take the time off), with the campgrounds (reserve a site), my family (so they know I'll be gone), etc. Make a list of all the "bite-size" pieces I need to do, then go down the list and do them. When the time comes, I'll have that experience ready to go.

It may sound funny, but I like to create a goal chart for myself. Just something with all the steps I need to take, and I mark them off as I go. I find it motivating to watch the chart get closer to the finish line. After a few of these smaller, long-term goals, pick something a bit more aggressive. Say a two week vacation somewhere, or taking a class, something that seems a bit more out of reach. Take the very same approach, define the goal, what we need to accomplish, bite-size pieces, then follow-through.

Relationships

Relationships are valuable, they can be the source of positive experiences, support and love. We all have damaged or neglected relationships in our lives. This really includes the full range of relationships, from your spouse or significant other and family to your neighbors, therapist, mechanic, waitress. Work to strengthen your existing relationship, repair damaged relationships and build new ones.

Existing relationships, especially damaged ones, are each unique. We have to figure out what we can do to fix or improve those relationships. A sometimes difficult, but usually very effective thing to do is simply ask that person about themselves, their goals, dreams and desires. Simply asking and listening can go a long way to improve the bond between the two of you. While listening, think of small things that you can do that they'll value, don't make promises you can't keep... in fact, you usually don't even have to mention it, but make a note of it, then do something small, but nice for them. I'd start with good relationships you have, and begin to strengthen them. Next, I'd work on building new friendships. Then move to the harder task of repairing damaged relationships. We'll cover more about how to do this in the interpersonal effectiveness module.

Avoid Procrastination

Life is never hopeless. True, it can feel that way. There are many nights I couldn't sleep thinking of how my life will never be right; feeling completely overwhelmed. The good news is, when things are really bad, there's no where to go but up. But it'll never happen until we start taking steps to make things better. Each of the things we discuss in this Emotion Regulation module can make a huge impact on our lives, but they won't happen unless we MAKE them happen. Feeling overwhelmed is completely understandable, but not taking steps to improve life is a decision.

Be Mindful

It's not enough to go through positive experiences. We've got to actually feel the good in the experience. I remember, not too long ago, getting a full body massage. I spent far more money than I had, but I'd been so stressed and thought it would really help. The odd thing is, I spent the entire massage ruminating over my own worries. It did help a little, but would have been so much more valuable had I been able to fully appreciate the massage. Mindfulness is the key.

Another part of this is to mindful of concerns while in a positive experience. Rumination over other issues detract from having a good time. At times though, we even have thoughts about the positive experience that detract from it. Thoughts like, "Oh, this is so nice it's a shame it'll all be over soon." "I'll never be able to top this, it's all down hill from here." "I'm such a screw up, I don't deserve to have this much fun." Most of us have these thoughts. Just practice mindfulness, acknowledge the thought and let it go.

Review

During this section, we discussed increasing exposure to enjoyable experiences:

Living positive experiences can improve our overall mood and outlook on life
The benefits of regularly living positive experiences accumulate and have a lasting effect on our mood.
Short-term enjoyable experiences are easier to accomplish, and take very little effort
Longer-term experiences take some effort and planning. Figure out a goal, break it into bite-size pieces, then follow-through to make them happen.
Strong, positive relationships can make life more pleasant. Work on creating new relationships, strengthening good ones, and repairing damaged ones
Avoid procrastination. Thinking about these positive experiences is one thing, actually doing them and following through is another. Don't give up on yourself and the idea that life can be better.
Practice Mindfulness. When living positive experiences, allow yourself to fully appreciate and enjoy it. Don't let negative or ruminating thoughts detract from the experience.

Exercises

Grab that notebook again. Create a list of five or so short-term positive experiences; things you can do fairly easily that you find enjoyable. Find one on the list that you can do later today or tomorrow and commit yourself to doing it.

Write a list of two or three longer term positive experiences. A vacation, a weekend away, entering a contest, something that will make you feel good about yourself but takes a bit of planning and effort. Identify what you need to do to have this experience. Break it into easy to do, bit-size pieces. Then commit yourself to doing at least one of them.

Assignments

Over the next week, shoot for living at least one positive short-term experience each day.

Schedule one evening or even a day about a week from now that you'll set aside to do something fun by yourself or with friends. It could be going to a museum, watching a movie, going on a long bike ride, going to dinner. Set aside the time, make plans, then do it.

Begin working on one of the longer term positive experiences. Look at the "bite-size" pieces each day, and figure out what you can do to make this happen.