Learning Center - DBT Therapy Training

DBT Radical Acceptance

In DBT, the concept of radical acceptance is arguably one of the most difficult ideas to grasp. In my mind, it's fairly straightforward and I hope to clarify confusion around this concept. The old adage, "no use crying over spilled milk." is one way to simplify it. The past is.... well, the past. We can't change it. It's done. Before we can do what we want with the present and our future we must put the past behind and look forward.  This means, accepting things as they were and life as it is.

This isn't always an easy thing to do.  In 12-step programs, the very first step involves admitting to ourselves that we have a problem.  Many on this site have been involved in a 12-step program, and can attest that this is one of the hardest parts of the program.  I've heard people explain that they could quit whenever they want, that it's not really a problem but could become one.  I believed that my own issues weren't anywhere near as bad as others in the group.  Yet, 12-steppers will tell you, until you've taken this step, you can't get anywhere.

A year or so ago, I went to a government sponsored "Healthy Family" class.  Most of the students were in the middle of a divorce, or had recently been through one.  This means, their marriage is over.  The only thing they can reasonably do, is look forward and build a better future for themselves and their children.  Yet, virtually all of them routinely discussed frustrations and conflicts that happened during their marriage.  "She always _______!", "He never _______!"  I get it, I really do. All of them lived through a lot of conflict, it's fresh in their minds. They probably haven't had any closure about these issues. At the same time, time machines are still science fiction.  The past will always be as it was.  There is simply nothing we can do about it, regardless of how unjust, frustrating or upsetting it may have been. As hard as it is to swallow, DBT radical acceptance means accepting the past as it was and move on from there with what we have.

We have only 100% of our energy, there's nothing more.  We can split that up however we choose.  The amount of energy and attention we give to the past, can not be used to improve the future.  If we spend even 40% of our time ruminating over what we should have done, we're left with only 60% of our energy to focus on making the future better.  Sure, we're human and may need some time to feel that frustration. Still, doesn't it make sense to focus as much of our energy and time on making the future better than the past?

A Radical Acceptance Analogy

In Section 5 - Distress Tolerance Overview, I used the example of Income Taxes. Anyone of us who works legally in the US, gets a pay check. Depending upon our salary, about one third of our hard earned money goes to various taxes. When I received my very first paycheck, as a young teenager, I was shocked and in complete disbelief. After taxes, insurance, and everything else "they" took out, I had barely enough to get me to work and buy lunch. I thought something was wrong, someone's made a mistake. I spoke to payroll and they chuckled, while explaining why they took all that money away from me... it's just part of life. Something none of us really likes, but that's just the way it is. I was completely beside myself. I felt violated, robbed, cheated.... angry. Now, after decades of paychecks, I just take it in stride. In fact, I don't even think about it. So what, we pay taxes. It certainly doesn't dominate my thoughts the way it did after my very first check. I've Radically Accepted taxes, DBT radical acceptance in practice.

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