Learning Center - DBT Therapy Training

Effectively

All too often, we realize that what we're doing isn't optimal.  Perhaps it doesn't even make sense to us, or it seems like a complete waste of time.  Yet, if we argue about a better way of doing them, or perhaps don't do them at all, we'll wind up in worse shape.

Here's an example.  Several months ago, I rode my motorcycle into the city.  I parked between two parallel parked cars, each with a parking meter.  Believe it or not, I parked right in front of one of the meters at a slight angle, part of my bike in one space, the other part in the other space.  Both meters had plenty of time.  I left the bike and returned about 20 minutes later to find a parking ticket.  The car in front of me, left and the meter expired.  The car behind me still had time in the meter and was still in the space.  The parking cop decided that since there's one car with time in the meter, that I must be parked in the empty space, with the expired meter.  To me, it seemed awfully unfair.  A car could have easily parked in the empty space, so I wasn't actually using that space.  Still, it is what it is.  I could have fought the ticket by going to court, I could have paid the ticket, or I might have chosen to simply ignore it.  In the end, I simply paid the ticket, realizing that fairness aside, it takes less time and effort to pay the ticket than it would to fight it.  And ignoring it wouldn't work at all.  That was an Effective solution, but not really what I would consider the "best", "fair" or "right" solution.

There's real skill in figuring out when to "push back" and when to simply accept and do.  That's what Effectively is all about.  I've heard Dr. Phil refer to this as "right thinking".  He asked his guests, in a damaged marriage, "Would you rather be right or happy

Some people put a negative spin on this concept calling it "giving in" or "selling out".  At times, it can feel this way, in reality, however, sometimes it's simply more effective to do what needs to be done rather than second guessing, and fighting it.  The skill comes in being able to figure out which route to take based on the situation.  The goal is to get it done, not necessarily the way we feel is the "right way" at the time.

Exercise

Try this now.  Look at this picture of spilled milk on this page.  Imagine that's your milk on your table.  In the box below, describe the picture, as if it were on your table. Please note, this box is for your convienience. The text you type will not be saved on the system.

Read over what you wrote. Did you place any values, judgments or opinions about what it means?  Are you feeling uncomfortable when you look at the picture?  In a Mindfulness context, it's simply a glass on it's side, with Milk on the table top.  Not good, not bad.... it just is.

Is there something your boss, spouse, partner, child has asked you to do that you're uncomfortable doing?  Something that you've been putting off.  Pick a time right now, and simply do it.  Get it off your plate.  Do it effectively, not necessarily the way you think is "right".

Right now, this moment, go pick up a book.  Clear your mind, and read one page.  If you catch yourself thinking about anything other than the book.  Pause, acknowledge the thought and let it go.  Back up to where you began the thought and continue reading.  Put all your attention to that page; everything you have.

Practice Assignments

Over the next few days, look for opportunities to practice Effectively.  There are many situations that you can do things the way you'd prefer.  But look for opportunities to do things someone else's way, when it would be more effective to do it their way.

At least once a day, catch yourself doing something mindlessly and focus your attention on the task at hand.  If you need to, grab a small notepad and jot the distracting thought down, then leave it in the notepad.  You can come back to it later.  Get back to whatever it was you were doing and give it your full attention.

Take out a piece of paper, notepad or index card.  Every day, note the date and list which of the six Mindfulness skill's you've used that day.  Did you Observe, Describe, Consciously Participate.  Did you do them one-mindfully (full attention), Effectively (getting it done, not necessarily the "best" way, but the most effective way), and Non-Judgmentally (allowing things to be as they are, not as you judge them to be)?

As a useful reference, you may wish to check out the Mindfulness Cheat Sheet.

When you're ready to move on go to: Section 5 - Distress Tolerance Overview.

---

Add this page to your favorite Social Bookmarking websites