Learning Center - Dialectical Behavior Therapy - DBT Treatment

Interpersonal Communication Skills

This concept is not part of core DBT, but it's one that I've been thinking through for some time now.  In fact, I wrote a five part post on my blog about it a while ago.  The concept helps me put DBT in perspective and understand how it all fits together.

I used to think I had very little control over my life. Regardless of how hard I tried to accomplish things, the world had a way of making things happen to me that I couldn't control. I worked hard in my job, and my boss wouldn't give me a promotion. I would do all the right things in my relationships, and still they'd get angry with me. I'd save money for a new car, and some emergency would pop up requiring that I spend most of it to solve the problem. It wasn't until I starting really trying to apply DBT skills in my life, that I realize how blind I'd been. I actually have an amazing amount of control over the world that I live in. Practicing these skills, even though many of them seem silly or too easy to make any impact, actually put me back in control of my life.

The most important concept is the fact that there is no Truth in this world. Sure there are facts like:

• the sky is blue,
• ice is cold,
• my hair is brown.

There is also my own opinion or interpretation of those facts:

• The blue sky is beautiful,
• drinks taste better with ice,
• brown hair is handsome.

Still, those are MY opinions; my thoughts; my perspective. Others might prefer to remain indoors, drink hot drinks or think blond, red, green or blue hair is more attractive. I have a right to my opinion, my judgment, my truth, my reality and you have every right to your own. Whether we agree or not, doesn't make it True, it simply is our opinion, and it's right for us at the time. The bottom line here is that we do have the power to define our own Truth for ourselves by believing it, deep down. That's a very powerful, but difficult concept to understand and practice. After all, if I hold a negative belief, how can I convince of the opposite? Still, as we'll learn later in this DBT training, it's possible and will have a profound impact on the life we live.

What's amazing about this is the concept of Self-fulfilling prophecy. This is a psychological concept that works. It's not magic, it's simple psychology. If I know something; not just say it but truly know it, I can make it so. Don't get me wrong, we all have our own limitations. There are laws of physics at work. Even if I believe I could jump off a cliff and fly I'd fail. I will never be able to lift a mountain. But short of defying the laws of physics, I can (and have) done things I never believed possible. How does this concept work? We'll go into that in later sections. But in brief, if I have an deep internal thought, for example that I will get a job that I'm interviewing for, the likelihood that I'll actually be hired increases dramatically. Why? Because my beliefs come out in my behavior.

Here's an example of how the concept works. Years ago I managed a computer help desk, and needed to hire someone. After reviewing more than a hundred resumes, I selected five candidates who I thought would be a good fit. One woman was at the very top of my list, so I we scheduled an interview. I didn't realize it at the time, but she came into the interview convinced that she wouldn't get the job. She was so convinced, in fact, that she stopped the interview in the middle. She said, "Uhm, who am I kidding, I knew I didn't have a shot at this job... I'm sorry for wasting your time." With that she got up and walked out. She was right, I didn't hire her.

The odd thing, from my perspective, was that she was the best candidate I had on the list. She seemed very professional, knew the technology, and was personable and had great communication skills. She did strike me as a bit insecure during the interview, fidgeting, looking down at her hands, the floor and sometimes off into space rather than at my face. She acted a bit distracted. I believe that, had she believed she would be hired, she woudn't have ended the interview prematurely. I also think she would have appeared more confident. Honestly, it probably took all her energy just to show up in the first place, because she didn't recon she had a shot. Honestly, up until that point, she was the best candidate I'd spoken with.

This same concept can be applied all across our lives, and throughout these lessons I'll present simple ideas and tools we can all use to redefine our world and build the future we want for ourselves. I have no interest in definining your truth or your goals. This approach doesn't dictate how you live your life. Instead, we provide a structure and skills that make building the life you want possible and easily within your reach.

I used to have confidence that there was a direct connection between what happens to me, in life and what I do in response.  Kind of like a reflex.  Someone insults me or cuts me off in traffic and I flip them the finger.  Someone is kind or caring, so I smile and feel good. Simple cause and effect.  Their insult made me give them the finger; their compliment made me feel good.  Honestly, I can accept responsibility for what I say or do, even when I'm not proud of it. But still, when someone else does something rude, inconsiderate, manipulative or hurtful, aren't they upsetting me, hurting my feelings or just plain pissing me off? This, I've learned, simply isn't the case. There's only one person in this world with access to my emotions and that's me. So in a strange way, I heard their words or saw what they did, and actually allowed myself to feel pain.

Let's back up for a moment, and let me explain how this all works. Let's take a detailed look at how we interact with the world around us. There is actually an almost instantaneous series of events that happen between their insult and my finger.  I came up with the acronym E J E C T to explain it:

Experience - We experience something.  Some of the experience we're aware of like what someone said or did. Some of it, however, we might not even realize. Perhaps It's cold or rainy, maybe there's an airplane flying overhead or noisy traffic nearby. Perhaps I have a headache or am worried about something else. Every bit of information, entering my system through all five senses do play into the experience.

Putting this into the example above, I heard "you're ugly!" coming from someone's mouth, I noticed their body posture and tone of voice, I heard a car alarm blasting just down the street. My own state of mind and all the peripheral things going on all play a part in the raw experience (the facts).

Judgment - We think about, and decide what it meant to us.  This is a tricky concept, because most people believe in "common sense".  Quite independent of the actual experience, each of us have lived different lives, have different experiences, and have differing definitions of "common sense".  What we think and how we judge is a very personal thing.  If, for example, you see two men kiss one another, that's the experience, simply "two men kiss".  We may think, "these are family members or close friends showing affection", "these men are gay", or "these men are from a culture where that's a common greeting".  There are a whole host of thoughts we may have, and that's based on what we know about the world.  We ultimately arrive at a judgment by applying our own values, deciding for ourselves whether we think this is a good or bad thing.  Men in some families routinely kiss one another, other families may prefer to hug, shake hands, high-five or even just offer a verbal comment, "I love you" or "take care", there are families that don't show any affection.  The judgment we place has quite a bit to do with how we have been raised and the lifestyle we have chosen for ourselves.

Going back to our example, I judged the comment ("you're ugly!") to be "insulting" and "negative".  I could have, just as easily had different thoughts.  I may have thought, "they were being sarcastic", or "that's a silly comment, I'm darned good looking!"  In which case, my judgment may have been, "they're being humorous" or "there is something wrong with their eyesight."

Emotions - We feel emotions based on our judgments, and our personality.  Believe it or not, we are responsible for our own emotions and do have the power to arrive at different emotions even given the same judgment.  This is not to say we should deny our feelings or that they can be wrong.  Regardless of how we feel our emotions are always genuine, valid and real for us.  It's really important for us to acknowledge our own feelings and allow ourselves to have them.  It is true, however, that we can learn how to arrive at different emotions.  Let's say we get into an argument with our spouse or significant-other.  We may judge that their words to us are "critical and negative".  If we accept that judgment we may believe the natural emotion would be "sadness" or "guilt".  We could, however recognize that just because they said the words, and may have intended them as you judge, we could feel "hopeful" that we can improve or "disappointed" or "pity" that they can't see all the good that you've done.  You may even feel "empathy" for them, understanding what they may be going through by looking at things from their perspective.  We may be quite happy with the emotions we are having, we don't HAVE to change them.  Each day, when I pick my son up from daycare, he runs into my arms with a huge smile on his face yelling, "DADDY!"  I feel pure "Joy" in those moments, and have no interest or desire to change it.  Bear in mind that negative emotions can be completely appropriate as well. For example, when my father passed away I felt deep "sadness" and some "fear" when I considered he was no longer able to be there for me. These emotions, too, I feel quite comfortable with and have no desire to change. It's helpful, though, to understand that we have the power to change them if we choose, and will learn tools with which to change them.

Looking at our example, I felt "hostile" or "angry" based on my judgment of "insulting and negative."  I certainly could have allowed my emotions to go in an entirely different direction.

Choose reaction - We decide how we're going to respond, based largely on our judgments, emotions, personality and values.  Regardless of the judgment and feeling we arrive at, we decide how we're going to respond and express that response.  There are an infinite number of possible ways to respond.  Perhaps you're having an argument with a friend or spouse, because you're feeling hurt over something they've said or done.  Until we learn the skills necessary to make this choice a conscious one, we may automatically reach for whatever behaviors are ingrained in our mind.  Ultimately, though we can learn how to make this a conscious decision.  We may choose a dysfunctional behavior like something self-destructive, yelling and screaming, or even physical violence.  We might choose a reasonable or rational behavior like sharing how it made you feel without accusations, or ending a relationship we no longer want to be involved in.  Or we may choose something else in the middle like going for a walk to cool down.  Whatever we choose is up to us, and we are fully responsible for our own actions.  Our goal in DBT is to learn how to make wise decisions, that are effective rather than allowing ourselves to automatically reach for behaviors that hurt us or makes the situation worse.

Using my example, I chose to express my sentiments with a vulgar gesture, an emotional reaction.  Later, I will probably look back with regret.  In the future, I'll try to consciously choose a more wise behavior.

Take action - Finally we react, by actually doing what we chose to do.  At times, we may change our mind, chicken out, or what we do seems to come out wrong.  Our behavior doesn't always match the reaction we chose.   I might decide that I'm going to firmly tell the person that I'm hurt by their actions and express disappointment.  But when I approach them, and see their face.  My chosen reaction suddenly seems inappropriate and I behave in a very different manner.  Certainly, now, many of us simply do what we've always done or try to cope in self-destructive ways.  In my example, though, I didn't change my mind.  I shared a vulgar gesture with them.

Keep in mind that the action we take becomes an experience for the other person.  So, just as we went through this process, so will they.  They'll see my gesture, form a judgment, feel emotions, choose their reaction and take action.  Most of us begin in DBT without a good understanding of this model, and the implications laced throughout it.  For example, looking at this description, it's clear that we own our judgments, emotions, choice of reaction and final action.  Regardless of what the experience is, what we do with it is completely within our control.

Some interesting things happen when we try to apply this.  A good example is the phrase, "you hurt my feelings!" Looking at this process, it's a bit more complex.  It's true that other people are completely responsible for what they've said or done.  Still, they have no direct control of our feelings, we do through our own thoughts and judgments.  If we're hurt, we really must recognize that we judged their behavior in a negative way, and we chose a "hurt" feeling.  This doesn't make their behavior right or wrong.  There are times we look back and are confident that our thoughts were based on a good understanding of the situation, our feelings were consistent with our values; they were right for us.  Other times, however, we look back and realize our thoughts were based on incorrect assumptions.  Perhaps we based our judgments on our own insecurities or outside factors (like hunger), rather than the what another person said or did.

Throughout DBT, we'll refer back to this model, and learn how to separate each piece, and take control of our thoughts, feelings and actions.

When you're ready to move on go to: Section 2 - Core Mindfulness.

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