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Emotions - We feel emotions based on our judgments, and our personality. Believe it or not, we are responsible for our own emotions and do have the power to arrive at different emotions even given the same judgment. This is not to say we should deny our feelings or that they can be wrong. Regardless of how we feel our emotions are always genuine, valid and real for us. It's really important for us to acknowledge our own feelings and allow ourselves to have them. It is true, however, that we can learn how to arrive at different emotions. Let's say we get into an argument with our spouse or significant-other. We may judge that their words to us are "critical and negative". If we accept that judgment we may believe the natural emotion would be "sadness" or "guilt". We could, however recognize that just because they said the words, and may have intended them as you judge, we could feel "hopeful" that we can improve or "disappointed" or "pity" that they can't see all the good that you've done. You may even feel "empathy" for them, understanding what they may be going through by looking at things from their perspective. We may be quite happy with the emotions we are having, we don't HAVE to change them. Each day, when I pick my son up from daycare, he runs into my arms with a huge smile on his face yelling, "DADDY!" I feel pure "Joy" in those moments, and have no interest or desire to change it. Bear in mind that negative emotions can be completely appropriate as well. For example, when my father passed away I felt deep "sadness" and some "fear" when I considered he was no longer able to be there for me. These emotions, too, I feel quite comfortable with and have no desire to change. It's helpful, though, to understand that we have the power to change them if we choose, and will learn tools with which to change them.
Looking at our example, I felt "hostile" or "angry" based on my judgment of "insulting and negative." I certainly could have allowed my emotions to go in an entirely different direction.
Choose reaction - We decide how we're going to respond, based largely on our judgments, emotions, personality and values. Regardless of the judgment and feeling we arrive at, we decide how we're going to respond and express that response. There are an infinite number of possible ways to respond. Perhaps you're having an argument with a friend or spouse, because you're feeling hurt over something they've said or done. Until we learn the skills necessary to make this choice a conscious one, we may automatically reach for whatever behaviors are ingrained in our mind. Ultimately, though we can learn how to make this a conscious decision. We may choose a dysfunctional behavior like something self-destructive, yelling and screaming, or even physical violence. We might choose a reasonable or rational behavior like sharing how it made you feel without accusations, or ending a relationship we no longer want to be involved in. Or we may choose something else in the middle like going for a walk to cool down. Whatever we choose is up to us, and we are fully responsible for our own actions. Our goal in DBT is to learn how to make wise decisions, that are effective rather than allowing ourselves to automatically reach for behaviors that hurt us or makes the situation worse.
Using my example, I chose to express my sentiments with a vulgar gesture, an emotional reaction. Later, I will probably look back with regret. In the future, I'll try to consciously choose a more wise behavior.
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