|
Page 2 of 4
I used to believe that there was a direct connection between what happens to me, in life and what I do in response. Kind of like a reflex. Someone insults me or cuts me off in traffic and I flip them the finger. Someone is kind or caring, so I smile and feel good. Simple cause and effect. Their insult made me give them the finger; their compliment made me feel good. Honestly, I can accept responsibility for what I say or do, even when I'm not proud of it. But still, when someone else does something rude, inconsiderate, manipulative or hurtful, aren't they upsetting me, hurting my feelings or just plain pissing me off? This, I've learned, simply isn't the case. There's only one person in this world with access to my emotions and that's me. So in a strange way, I heard their words or saw what they did, and actually allowed myself to feel pain.
Let's back up for a moment, and let me explain how this all works. Let's take a detailed look at how we interact with the world around us. There is actually an almost instantaneous series of events that happen between their insult and my finger. I came up with the acronym E J E C T to explain it:
 Experience - We experience something. Some of the experience we're aware of like what someone said or did. Some of it, however, we might not even realize. Perhaps It's cold or rainy, maybe there's an airplane flying overhead or noisy traffic nearby. Perhaps I have a headache or am worried about something else. Every bit of information, entering my system through all five senses do play into the experience.
Putting this into the example above, I heard "you're ugly!" coming from someone's mouth, I noticed their body posture and tone of voice, I heard a car alarm blasting just down the street. My own state of mind and all the peripheral things going on all play a part in the raw experience (the facts).
Judgment - We think about, and decide what it meant to us. This is a tricky concept, because most people believe in "common sense". Quite independent of the actual experience, each of us have lived different lives, have different experiences, and have differing definitions of "common sense". What we think and how we judge is a very personal thing. If, for example, you see two men kiss one another, that's the experience, simply "two men kiss". We may think, "these are family members or close friends showing affection", "these men are gay", or "these men are from a culture where that's a common greeting". There are a whole host of thoughts we may have, and that's based on what we know about the world. We ultimately arrive at a judgment by applying our own values, deciding for ourselves whether we think this is a good or bad thing. Men in some families routinely kiss one another, other families may prefer to hug, shake hands, high-five or even just offer a verbal comment, "I love you" or "take care", there are families that don't show any affection. The judgment we place has quite a bit to do with how we have been raised and the lifestyle we have chosen for ourselves.
Going back to our example, I judged the comment ("you're ugly!") to be "insulting" and "negative". I could have, just as easily had different thoughts. I may have thought, "they were being sarcastic", or "that's a silly comment, I'm darned good looking!" In which case, my judgment may have been, "they're being humorous" or "there is something wrong with their eyesight."
|
