True Recovery

Anger is a strange one, for me fear and shame almost always trigger anger.  My son's teacher told me he wasn't performing up to snuff, and they'd be holding him back for a few months until he can learn enough basic skills to move to the next level in preschool.  I judged that as, "He's not doing well enough.  These are his most important learning years.  This may affect his entire school career."  My emotion, then was fear.  However, in me, that triggered anger.  My reaction thoughts went something like this:  "He's been in school for 8 to 10 hours almost every day for the past few years.  Aren't they teaching him anything during those hours?  Why is the day he is supposed to move up, the first time I'm hearing about the issues?"  I hadn't acknowledged my own fear, I jumped straight to anger and went with it.  When I think back, every single time I felt anger there was an underlying fear or shame emotion that I hadn't or couldn't recognize.  I would argue that the primary emotion is the most important in understanding ourselves.

Emotions can trigger other emotions, masking at times, or can trigger the same emotion.  For me, anger often triggers anger.  If I feel anger toward someone or something else, I often become angry at myself for even feeling that anger.  This is because I judge anger as a bad emotion, one that's wrong to have.  I keep reminding myself that all emotions are valid and correct.  Rejecting my own emotions hurts, not helps the situation.  So, it's best for me to simply acknowledge and accept whatever emotion I'm having.  I can learn Mindfulness skills to more clearly identify my judgment thoughts.  I can teach myself how to think things through more thoroughly and come to different judgments.  Emotions simply are.

How do we tell the difference between a thought and an emotion? 

There's a lot of confusion, certainly in American culture, about emotions.  In fact theorists have debated over various models of emotions, what they are, how they work, how they come about.  Much of my confusion stemmed from hearing the words "feel" and "think" used almost interchangeably.  Most of us say things like, "I feel like quitting my job" or "I feel patronized".  Both of these are judgment thoughts, not emotions.  I remember seeing a therapist, and describing an argument my girlfriend and I had.  While I don't remember the exact phrase, it was something like, "I feel taken advantage of."  My shrink immediately corrected me, "That's a thought, not a feeling."  That was a big "ah ha!" moment for me, and those words still echo in my head.  Honestly, I've been confused throughout my entire life about emotions.  Not until the past few years, did I really begin to develop a clear understanding of what an emotion really is, and which emotion I'm actually feeling.

If we judge, for example, "I really should have remembered my anniversary", what follows might be a feeling of guilt.  To begin with emotions, by their very definition, are adjectives describing myself and my physical sensations.  So, looking at the examples above, "I feel like quitting my job" can't be a feeling.  Quitting is a verb; we simply can't "feel quitting."  If it's not an adjective, then it's not an emotion.  In this case, "quitting" is one of the reactions that we're considering.  In other cases, it's our judgment of the experience.  If I were considering quitting my job, I'd step back and ask myself what emotion is behind it?  Is it fear of being fired?  Am I feeling isolated or lonely?  Am I feeling annoyed or irritated by something?