True Recovery

What a hugely wonderful response!!!  Thank you SO very much.  I am so excited to read this.  You have given me so many things to do and consider.  I cannot begin to tell you how much I appreciate this.  If you are not a therapist, you have missed your calling.

Ann

I understood you to say you're ''bored and empty', and that's a place you don't want to be.  Radical Acceptance of your bored and empty emotions is part of it.  Rather than fighting the emotions you judge as bad, it's okay to embrace them.  Once you accept your feelings you free yourself to start working on getting to a better place.

From my perspective, though, that's just one part.  There's a few things you may want to consider:

Mindfulness -- Remember, your emotions come from your thoughts.  So you may want to work on Mindfulness to separate the thoughts from the feelings.

CBT -- go backwards through EJECT.  You know the emotions, now figure out what thoughts are behind them.  Analyze them, what facts back up the thoughts?  Do you have all the facts?

Emotion Regulation -- Are you taking care of YOUR emotional needs?  Do you understand them?  I don't mean being a great wife, mother, professional.  I mean doing stuff for Ann, that makes Ann feel good about herself?  If you haven't already, read through PLEASE MASTER (Emotion Regulation).  There are lots of things we can do to improve our overall mood, including better sleep habits, exercise, food choices, etc.  I find I get a huge boost by structuring my life a bit more.

Meds -- If you have a chemical imbalance (clinical depression), you might want to look into antidepressant medications to help.  They won't cure it, but they can certainly make it easier to work on.

Mastery -- Mastery is a biggie for me personally.  This site is part of practicing mastery.  I find something I can be passionate about like DBT, then try to build something with it.  When I launched the site, I felt good that I got it up and running.  Each time I study for and write another section, I feel a personal sense of accomplishment.  I feel like I'm contributing in a positive way every time a new member registers and uses the site.  Not only do I get a personal sense of satisfaction out of seeing the fruits of my labor, but I get compliments from users to boot.  All those little tiny bits of personal accomplishment and positive feedback from all the various projects I take on add up, little by little, and strengthen my self-esteem.  The fun part of this is, I don't have to start out a master.  I can just pick something I think I might be able to master, then study and work on it.  Sometimes they're not what I thought they would be.  Other times, I wind up taking away a lot of personal value and fulfillment.

Goals/Direction -- Another thing is, most of us need a goal that we're working toward, a vision of our future.  My very young son flourishes with this.  If he's going to school every day, coming home, eating dinner, going to bed, then waking up the next day and doing it all over again, he gets bored and anxious.  So, he's in Tai Kwon Do now, working on earning his first belt.  He's in gymnastics classes, trying to learn the parallel bars.  I'm teaching him to read.  With each of these little ''projects'' he has goals, he's working on them, and strengthening his sense of self with every itty bitty success he has.  We used to give him ''stickers'' for various things he was supposed to do.  He could spend those stickers (betcha didn't know stickers were worth a quarter each) on toys or treats.  It worked, but not very well.  THEN, he wanted a toy he couldn't afford.  I set up a goal chart for him, like a thermometer with a picture of the toy at the very top.  We knew he needed 100 stickers to get his toy.  Each night, depending on which of his objectives he met, he'd get a few stickers and put them on the chart.  He talked about the chart, he looked with amazement at the chart.  He had a clear goal, and knew how to get there.... he was more motivated than I've ever seen him.  Yep, in record time, he got the $25 out of my wallet!  Well, I'm no different.  Maybe a sticker chart is a bit juvenile for me, and a $25 toy not particularly exciting, but setting a goal for myself, plotting the course and doing it is like a very powerful drug to me.
There's no magic here, but little things really go a long way. 

Mike

I wish it sounded easy.  It doesn't really.  In all outward appearances, I have exactly what I want..  a great husband, a wonderful job, a wonderful daughter, good friends, a beautiful house, blah, blah, blah.  Still I find myself OFTEN asking myself, ''what's the point?  Why am I not happy if everything is so good?''  Then I get angry with myself.  Angry at my discontent. 

what if where I want to be is exactly where I am but I am still left feeling bored, empty?

What  a great question...  I'm going to have to slip you a $20 for being the straightman!

You feel empty and bored.  That’s REALLY how you feel, and it’s cool.  In fact, it’s more than cool.  It’s pretty hard to recognize your own emotions, and take ownership of them.  In that, you’ve done what many of us have a hard time doing.  Rather than fighting those feelings or looking for a way out, why not just pat yourself on the back for having the introspection and skill to see and describe how you’re feeling?

You’re absolutely right when you say that “once things settle down, it’s there again.”  They were there all along, you just pretended it wasn’t.  That’s why “fighting” or “looking for a way out” of your very real, very valid emotions is fruitless.   You can’t win against emotions, they’re invincible!  Think of them as a vital organ.  I might not like my stomach, it might feel fluttery, queasy, stuffed.  I might have indigestion…. But I can’t just get rid of it.  We need our stomach to digest food and get necessary nutrients into our system; to live. 

Well, we need our emotions too.  You’re life is a journey, emotions are your signposts.  They have real value, why not use them?  Imagine driving to “14 Goal-In-Life Street.”; somewhere you’ve never been.  How would you get there if they took down all the street signs and building numbers?  So then, why do you want to get rid of them?

You’ve taken the first step.  You read the signpost.  Pause for a moment, take a deep breath, smile and congratulate yourself!  You now know, you’re driving down highway “empty and bored”.  You’re in the fast lane, foot firmly on the pedal.  You also figured out this is a particularly dreary desolate highway, and you don't like it.  Now, you might benefit from knowing how and when you got on the highway.  Understanding is one thing, ruminating is another.   Slapping yourself while flooring it down the highway keeps you on the same course, doesn’t it?

Why not pull over to the shoulder, grab the map, think things through and make some decisions.  Where on earth do you WANT to go?  If you’re like me, and don’t know the exact street address, figure out what town it’s in.  Don’t know that, pick a state, country, continent or planet.  Once you’ve picked a destination, just Google directions, make some turns, stay the course, keep reading the signposts, and eventually, you’ll get there.  Make a wrong turn?  Learn something new and change your mind about your destination?  Grab the map again and plot a new course.  Sounds easy, doesn’t it?

Mike

One of the issues I struggle with a great deal is a pretty constant feeling of emptiness and boredom.  Like everything is pointless.  I have read that it's typical of bpd.  It distresses me a great deal.  I can forget it when I am busy but once things settle down, it's there again.  My T has suggested that I use radical acceptance..  that is, instead of fighting the feeling, just try to accept that it's there.  Although she didn't say it, I think that if I could accept the feelings and stop fighting against them, they would pass.  I don't know.  Of course, in saying so, I am still trying to find a way out of the feeling.  I don't see anywhere in the dbt literature directly addressing dealing with the feelings of emptiness.  Any thoughts?