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Now that I've radically accepted paying taxes, I can manage it more effectively. Instead of feeling all those negative feelings about it, somewhere along the line, I made a choice. As much as I would like ALL the money I earned, I can't have it. Now I'm free to focus all my energy looking for legal ways to reduce my taxes. I save receipts, I use a good tax accountant to do my taxes, and I listen to her advice each year. When I put together my budget, I first figure out what I'll actually receive (after taxes), and work with that. In my mind, I consciously changed from taxes being a source of frustration, to it being a part of life to be managed.
To many, I've used a few words that just don't seem to fit here: "chose" and "changed my mind". You may ask, "What about those things that I have no choice about, where I can't simply change my mind? What about if I'm the victim of a crime? I didn't chose to be violated the way that I was. That crime hurt me and I'm angry about it, I'm scared that it'll happen again." That's absolutely true, none of us choose to be the victim of a crime. At the same time, whether we know it or not, we do choose what to think, feel and do in response to it.
Let me back up here. As we discussed in Mindfulness, we're not simply feeling or responding to things that happen to us in life. We actually go through a very fast, almost instantaneous process: Experience something, think about what that experience means, form emotions based solely on our own thoughts and judgments about the experience, determine how to respond, then we respond. In many cases, we have very little control over what we experience. Sure, if we want to avoid something, we can often stay away from it. But we can't always avoid unpleasant things. At the same time we have 100% complete and utter control over our own thoughts, feelings and responses to anything, even if it doesn't feel like it most of the time.
Most people think this can't be right. Let's say you are running, and trip on something, you fall down and hurt yourself. You feel the pain and may cry or shout out in pain. Did you choose that? No, you didn't choose to trip, fall and hurt yourself. At the same time, everything that happens after that you ARE choosing! You may think to yourself, "boy, that wasn't smart, I shouldn't have been running". Based on that thought, you feel "ashamed" and "embarrassed". You'll choose a reaction in line with your feelings. But if you look over the whole thing, those thoughts, feelings and reaction were all yours. In Section 5 - Distress Tolerance Overview, I described my $100 bill philosophy. The experience of tripping, falling and hurting myself was yet another $100 bill life hands us.
Many of us are here, learning DBT, because we haven't yet learned how to truly exercise control over our own thoughts, feelings and reactions. By practicing Mindfulness skills, we can develop the ability to separate raw experiences from our judgments. But, to successfully gain control of our own issues, we need to go a step further. We need to actually CHANGE our judgments, recognize the feelings we feel, and consciously choose responses that IMPROVE our lives, rather than ones that destroy our lives.
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